Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

This day is today. It is a day to remember the babies we have lost during pregnancy or in infancy.

On Saturday July 3rd my life changed in an instant. It would never been the same. I became a mommy. I had been feeling off for a couple of days so I decided to take a pregnancy test. This is what I saw....

I was shocked and thrilled. I remember Kyle's reaction like it was yesterday. He just couldn't believe it. So we went to CVS and bought more tests to check again.

Yes he made me take 2 more tests. But there was no denying what it said. There it was in plain English. We were thrilled and it was perfect timing because we were going to get to share this with our family over 4th of July. We told my parents with a cute onesie (I don't have a picture of it) and Kyle's parents with a F-35 pool float that is the same type of plane that Kyle is assigned to as his job.

It was an amazing wonderful weekend. That excitement didn't last long as I started bleeding and miscarried my baby on July 8, 2010. I was pregnant for 18 days (almost 5 weeks for the way they medically calculate it).

I know to some it sounds silly and dramatic that my life changed and will never be the same. After all it isn't like I was 8 weeks and heard the heartbeat or 12 weeks with a baby bump or 16 weeks and learning the sex of my baby or 9 month and have to give birth to a child and then lose it. But from the moment I saw the words "pregnant" I became a mommy. I knew that I had life in me and that I would bring a child into this world. But God had a different plan for us. We would not bring a child into this world. After 18 days I was no longer a mommy. I would not get to experience all of those milestones with my baby.

I would have been 19 weeks this coming Sunday and probably already know if we were having a boy or girl.

I know that someday I will get to experience all of those milestones but I can't help but think that I wanted to experience those with that baby. The next pregnancy will not make up for the lost one. I will always miss those unexperienced milestones. I will always think of that baby and what he or she would have been like.

I look forward to the day when we see the words "pregnant" again, and we hear a heartbeat, find out the sex, and bring a baby into this world. Today however is for the baby that Kyle and I lost.

In remembrance of Baby Cline lost on July 8, 2010 and due March 14, 2011.

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day!

Well honestly the morning sucked because I decided to get a flu shot and I was dreading it. I hate needles but I decided to suck it up this time. And yesterday was the day to do it because they were free at work. It really wasn't bad but my arm is still sore from the shot.

Then we had a nice luncheon for COPAS which is a society for oil and gas accountants.

Then I went to a meet and greet at a local elementary school. My coworker/friend Christal and I are volunteering with Junior Achievement this fall. Junior Achievement is a program where adults go teach a less for 5 weeks to school age kids regarding different "life skills." Last spring Christal and I taught 1st grade and we had a lot of fun. This year we were assigned 4th grade so that will be a big change. I am really looking forward to starting next Friday.

Then I went home and got ready to head to Ennis for CRHP. We had a follow up meeting that was really nice. It was good to see all of my CRHP sisters and catch up. I look forward to doing it again next month.

The only bad thing about the CRHP meeting is that it was at 7 which happened to be the same time the Ranger game started. Therefore I got occasional texts with updates on the score but that was it. I got to hear the last 3 innings on the radio on my way home which was good. It wasn't as good as watching it on tv or even better seeing it live but it was still awesome. And of course I had Kyle tivo it so I can watch it tonight when I have time just to see the video instead of vocal play-by-play.

I am so excited for the Rangers!! What a great way to end the day. In fact I am still on a high from it!!

I am one proud momma today!!

Ok so I meant to post this last week after the Rangers won the ALDS series. I wanted to upload the pics I have with Michael Young and Ian Kinsler but I couldn't find them on my computer and didn't feel like scanning them. So here is the post without those.

Courtesy of mlb website

That is exactly how I felt last night when the Rangers won game 5!! Like a proud momma. I got tears in my eyes and my chest got tight thinking about how awesome this was for all of those well deserving guys.

I am especially excited for my favorite current Rangers player (favorite former player is Rusty Greer) Michael Young. I think so highly of him and all the things is does on and off the field. He is the team captain and core of the team. A lot of hype has been built about Josh Hamilton this year and though I do like him I think it has been a little overboard. He has been such an important part of this team and I am glad that Michael Young is finally getting to be in the playoffs and win like he deserves.

My second favorite player is Ian Kinsler. I love his enthusiasm, spirit, and over all personality. He has a love for the game that a lot of players miss. He and Michael Young are very close friends and I am happy for the both of them.

I am also very excited for the fans. So many fans have waited so long for this to happen. I was very close friends with the guys who played baseball in high school. To be honest those cute baseball boys were the reason I rekindled my love for the Rangers. Most of them were huge Rangers fans since t-ball. I wasn't a die hard fan from a young age however I have been to a lot of Rangers' games over the years.

I remember going with my Aunt Carla and cousins. We would pack a cooler with snacks and drinks and then usually just get ice cream at the stadium. We usually sat in horrible seats and probably didn't see most of the game because we were distract by watching people ride the roller coasters across the street at Six Flags. Yes, we were that high or we would go up there just to see the rides.

I also remember going with my parents over the years and one time we sat right by the camera man that we tried to hook Carla up with. Yes she got the joy of using our 6th ticket. And thanks to our friendliness with the camera man we got to be on the jumbotraun a couple of times.

In the 2006 season I had the luxury of going to a lot of Ranger games. My roommate Jodi's fiance Corey worked for Ameriquest while it was Ameriquest park and had the benefit of free tickets and even suites. I went to about 15 games that season. That was a special year for me because I started dating Kyle and the first picture we ever took together was at the Ranger game in one of the suites.

This year Kyle and I decided to plan a trip to NYC in April. We picked a weekend and it just so happened that the weekend we picked the Rangers were playing the Yankees in NYC! Of course I told Kyle that we had to go. We went, it was freezing, got rained out, and they lost but it was an amazing experience. It is actually my dream to visit every major league ballpark.

Then in June of this year we were invited to sit in XTO's seats right behind home plate. It was an amazing game even though they lost. We spent most of the game in awe of our seats and trying to not pick our noses because we were on tv. My BIL (brother-in-law) Trent thought it was funny to send me texts the entire time telling me what I was doing.

Then in July we got invited to sit in the XTO suite at the Ranger game and this time it was catered (the previous times in the suite it wasn't catered since no one rented them and they were just complimentary.) This game had a huge rain delay and unfortunately the Rangers' lost. Are y'all sensing a trend here? Kinda depressing!! Maybe I am bad luck.

Then here in October we bought tickets to Game 3 of the ALDS series and got to experience the most amazing Rangers game in history to date and unfortunately they lost. Of course after their win last night we know that there will be even bigger games starting on Friday.

Okay I got the hint. I will not be attending anymore Rangers' games this year. I would like to say it is because I think I am bad luck but honestly it is because I am just not willing to dig that deep into my wallet. Now world series game....I don't know that I will be able to hold back but lets take this one game at a time.

That is the history of my love for the Rangers. I don't know if y'all care but I did this post more for my own memories.

I am so excited for all the Rangers players, Rangers organization and fans. This next series is going to be amazing!!!

What a weekend....

Friday evening we went to dinner with David and Jen at Kincaids and then just hungout at home.

Saturday we slept in, made pancakes for breakfast, and ran to the dealership to pick up Kyle's truck that needed some maintenance work done. Then Melisa met me at our house and we went to Arlington to meet my Granny, Mom, Aunt Neva, and Neva's mother-in-law Katherine at Spring Creek for lunch. Granny, my mom, Katherine, and my Aunt Gayle all have October birthdays so we have recently started a tradition of doing a girls lunch. Unfortunately Aunt Gayle wasn't able to make it. We had a very good time at lunch.

Granny, Mom, Melisa, and I headed over to Joann's craft store and Melisa and I each picked some fabric for Granny to make us tablecloths. Kyle and I love our table because it is unique in fact it is so unique I can't find a tablecloth to fit it. It is a 5 x 5 ft table.

Then Kyle met us there to pick me up and head to the Ranger playoff game. Unfortunately traffic was horrible which made it a stressful and not fun time to find parking. We finally found parking and made it to our seats about 10 minutes before the first pitch. The stadium was packed in fact it set a record for 51,746 people which was the most people ever in the stadium.

Pretty amazing huh? The atmosphere was amazing! My adrenaline was pumping so much I didn't want to leave my seat. I was so afraid I was going to miss something. But we eventually decided to get some food!

Kyle got a hot dog and beer and I got cajun fries and a drink. My cajun fries were super yummy! I should have gotten some ranch to go with them but they were still good.

Here is a pic of Kyle and I at the game before things headed south. Unfortunately we did not get to see the Rangers clench the series but hopefully they will on Tuesday with Cliff Lee on the mound.

Traffic was horrible leaving again so we have decided that in the future we will plan to tailgate after the game like other smart people instead of moving up 2-3 feet every 2 minutes for an hour. It was no fun after a loss.

Sunday Kyle and I went to church and then Melisa and I went to Cowboy Stadium to meet up with my parents and volunteer at a concession stand. Kyle went home...his excuse for not volunteering was that he "doesn't like people." Which was fine with me. We volunteered at the TCU vs Oregon State game and had a lot of fun. This time it was a little more hectic and unorganized because we didn't have enough people. The supervisor was a stickler for the rules because the health department was stopping by so when we decided to eat some nachos before the game my mom and Melisa hid in the walk-in fridge to eat them out of sight. It was hilarious because I went to find them (so I could eat some) and I didn't see them anywhere. Then I see my mom's head in the window of the fridge. We could not stop laughing and it was even funnier when a couple of minutes later my dad stops by to eat some of our chips in the fridge. I wish I had my phone to take a picture of us. We didn't last long because it wasn't that good and it was kinda cold in there.

Then we were waiting for the game to stop by and my dad spotted Babe Laufenberg the CBS 11 sports guy at the game. We said hi and he said hi back but of course he wasn't there to eat our nachos he was just passing by on his way to wherever he does his broadcast from.

We had a good time at the Stadium even though the Ranger and Cowboys both lost. We were all pretty tired by the end of the night and ready to head home and rest our feet.

I got home to a nice clean house thanks to my amazing husband. He and the team were all happy to see mommy come home.

It was a nice weekend but very busy. This coming weekend we have Kyle's brother Kevin's wedding so it should be another fun eventful weekend.

State Fair of Texas

Last Sunday Kyle and I went to the State Fair of Texas for the very first time for both of us. I can't believe Kyle and I are 25+ and never been when it is so close. I will remember that next time a I meet someone from New York state and they say they have never been to NYC and I look shocked or someone living in San Antonio that has never been to the Alamo. I have actually never had tickets to a Cowboy game despite the fact that I have been to the old and new stadium for other things. It makes me want to make a list of other things I haven't done and start a To-Do List (bucket list sounds depressing).

Anyway back to the fair. We went with David and Jen Funderburk and we got there and I realized I left my camera at home and Kyle left his iPhone so we didn't get to take pictures. I really wanted to take pictures of us at the fair and all the foods we ate but no luck.

So here is my review of the fair, food, rides, and exhibits.

The very first thing we did was buy some coupons and look for Fried Frito Pie. For $6 (12 coupons) we got 5 nugget sized pieces which wasn't much for us to share. Kyle and I decided to share the things we tried so we could try more foods without pigging out and spending too much money. The Fried Frito Pie was very good but way over priced (fair food over priced- shocker!) for the amount of food we got. It was totally worth trying it and it was very good but I probably wouldn't get it next year. Kyle really liked it.

Then we walked through the car (or automobile since it wasn't just cars) exhibit which was cool to see all the new 2011 vehicles. Afterwards we walked through an exhibit hall with vendors. This reminded me of Canton (the nice part not the garage sale part).

Then it was time to find food again. Kyle and I spotted a stand with fried oreos and fried snickers. We couldn't decide which one to try so....we got BOTH! We shared them with David and Jen. Though they were both very good Kyle and Jen like the oreo and I like the snickers. I can't remember which David liked.

Then we walked through the midway with the games and rides. David saw a ride called the Rock-it that went upside down and spins. It looked so fun. David and I wanted to ride but Kyle isn't a huge fan of heights and the idea of riding a "fair ride" made him nervous. I agree with him in some ways. We always joke that fairs and circus' put up and take down their rides in a day and have a box of leftover parts that they forgot to use. So we decided against the ride and the fact that it was $7 a person helped make our decision.

We continued walking around the fair vendor exhibits which was probably my favorite part. I love looking at all the little stands. We even took care of some Christmas presents.

Then we just couldn't get the Rock-it off our mind so we decide to head back and go on one ride. Well when we got there Jen and Kyle decided not to ride and save the money so David and I rode together. It was so much fun and totally worth the $7. It makes me want to go to Six Flags now.

On the way out I tried Dipped Turtle Cheesecake that was amazing. Yes as you can tell by what we ate desserts are my favorite. Jen and David weren't as adventurous with their food choices but they did eat fried Frito pie, corny dogs and lemon chills. So we weren't just pigging out by ourselves.

We were only there for about 4 hours but the last hour it had gotten really crowded. I was initially worried about going that day because it was the day after the Texas/OU game and there was no Cowboy game for people to stay home and watch but it really wasn't bad. On the way out of the gates I was already excited thinking about next year. And Kyle and I agreed that we will use a vacation day and go during the week next year when it is less crowded and you can usually get a discount for tickets.

So now I am in love with the fair and will probably try to go every year.

CRHP and Church

This past March I went on a retreat called Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) which we call chirp despite the fact that some of the letters in the abbreviation are switched. It was a wonderful weekend meeting new women, getting to know more about women I already knew and learning more about my faith. It was an amazing, eye opening experience for me

CRHP renewed my faith and I found something that I didn't know was missing. Actually I did know but I was too lazy to get out of bed on Sunday mornings and head to church. But going to the retreat wasn't the end. It was now up to me to read my bible, pray daily, and hardest of all attend church every Sunday (if not more.) It was up to me to be strong and not fall back into old habits.

I had attended mass at St. Patricks Cathedral in downtown Fort Worth sporadically over the past couple of years but never committed. After CRHP I decided to head back to St. Patricks and give it another shot. Well God knew what I needed to hear because the sermon that day was amazing. It seemed like it was meant just for me. And I went the next week and once again an great message. This was going to be easy.

Then the sermons weren't as great and didn't seem to affect me the way they had in the beginning. I continued to attend but I had kinda hit a plateau in my faith again. Then in August St. Patrick's announced that we were getting a new rector. Father Joseph Pemberton gave his first sermon and it was awesome. He was so down to earth, passionate, and honest. He didn't stand behind the pulpit and lecture, he came down to the people like a conversation. He reminds me so much of Father John in Ennis. It seemed like just when I was hitting a low point God stepped in to keep me on track. Father Pemberton was just the boost I (and the parish) needed. I look forward to hearing his sermons each week and am considering becoming a lector like I did in high school. Awesome I have found a church of my own!!

But it gets better! These past 6 months I have continued the CRHP process and we put our retreat on at the end of August. Once again it was an amazing experience. I got to meet more women and got to renew my faith again. During the retreat I gave a talk and I talked about my struggles with finding a church that I like in my area. I like St. Patricks and think Father Pemberton is awesome but I wish there was a church that was more convenient to where we live. I tried to remember that sometimes this journey isn't easy and I just need to suck it up and drive the 30 minutes each way.

The following Monday I was driving down a side street near our house and there was a sign that says "Future home of St. Thomas the Apostle Catholic Church." Are you kidding me?!!! Talk about answering prayers. This church is right next to the middle school in our neighborhood. I could probably walk there in 5 minutes and drive there in 1 minute. Once again God has stepped in.I can't wait for the new church to be built. Right now it is an empty pasture with no activity or signs of future activity. I am not sure when it will be complete but the fact that there will be a church that close and convenient is awesome. I know that our lives will only get busier as we have kids and once again I feel like God is giving me a way to keep my faith and not falter. Of course now I really enjoy Father Pemberton at St. Patricks and by the time St. Thomas is done I may not want to leave but I love having the option and opportunity. I am also secretly (or not so secretly) hoping that they will add a school to the parish because I would love to be able to give our kids a Catholic education. We will see what happens but I feel like the future looks bright!

I share this story with you not to brag but to just share my journey. It is so easy to fall into a routine. My routine was sleeping in on Sundays and only asking for God's help when I needed something. I had the excuse that no church was like St. John's, that I didn't want to go by myself, it was too far, I didn't know the songs. My list was really long. Ask my mom and dad, I am awesome at coming up with excuses which I call justification. They once thought I should be a lawyer because I don't just tell you my stance, I tell you why. I didn't just not go to church, I had good reasons (excuses) for not going.

I am truly blessed by God and I am excited to continue on this journey. It is not over and it may not always be easy, but God has taken away all of my excuses and now it is up to me.

Dealing

Lately people have told me that I dealt with my miscarriage so well. It breaks my heart to hear that. No one means anything by it. They aren't trying to be mean. They probably just don't know what else to say. But 'dealt' implies that it is over. It isn't over. I 'deal' with my miscarriage everyday. It will always be a part of me. It isn't a cold that I can take medicine for and eventually it is gone.


I would be 14 weeks pregnant today. And I think about that every day. I think about seeing our baby's heartbeat on a sonogram. I think about what foods I wouldn't like or which ones I would crave. I think about how much weight I would have gained. I think about if I would have a baby bump and how my body would have changed. I think about picking out a crib, car seat, bedding, and clothes. I think about finding out the gender of our baby. I think about how excited I would be to feel our baby inside me. I think about Kyle being able to feel the baby. I think about going through all of these things with Kyle. And not just Kyle but also sharing all of this with family and friends. I think about it all. My imagination runs wild.


I realize that this miscarriage isn't the end for me. I know that Kyle and I will have a baby at some point. I know that. I know that I will get to experience all of those things some day. But more than anything I wish I was experiencing them for the last 14 weeks and then next 26 weeks. I wish I was bringing a baby into this world on March 14, 2011.


I don't need people to tell me that everything will be okay, that it wasn't meant to be, that it will happen when God is ready, it just wasn't the right time, to relax, or that it will happen when I least expect it. I don't need people to feel sorry for me. I don't need people to protect me. Again I realize that people only said these things because they didn't know what else to say. And I am not angry at anyone for their attempts at comforting me. But those words don't make me feel better. To be honest it doesn't matter what you say because it is just a sucky situation.


I do need people to give me a hug when I am crying. Let me vent on the phone and ramble when I need to. Let me be jealous of those who are pregnant not because I feel ill will to them but that I am sad for myself. Let me talk about it when I can and understand when I can't.


I have my good days and bad. I think about my lost baby everyday. I think of what could have been and what isn't.


I am not over it, but I am dealing...